First off, I’m an avid believer of “the secret” which is about sending positive intentions out into the universe. I even used the teachings in that book to get out of my other living situation - which was also no good. I was living with family who had a teenager who was very emotionally disturbed and had violent fits. When the opportunity to go anywhere arrived, you bet that I took it.
Which leads me to my current situation in an unfinished studio apartment in a bad neighborhood. I uprooted my entire life to live in a place with ripped up floors and unpainted walls. Why? something told me to take the leap.
At the moment there doesn’t seem to be any benefits to taking a “leap” and it doesn’t feel like it’s picking up. The job I started has been unbelievably trying and unfair. I get home most days to my dark apartment (no electric) and wonder why I bother even going. The small amount of pay that I get pays for travel expenses and some food. It’s not enough, it’s the first time I have questioned my choices in life and not furthering my education or pursuing photography when the iron was hot. I simply feel in the dark, much like my apartment.
It doesn’t help that some people at my job - mostly one of the managers, have been trying to sabotage me and get me fired. I get openly told by them how much they don’t want me there. I don’t know anyone in this town, it feels like I’m in an isolation chamber.
Was this a good decision?
I miss Gettysburg, when my boyfriend and I visited it kind of felt like home should feel. Part of that was being with him, the other part was the locals made me feel wanted. I don’t know, I’m feeling really old and unwanted at the moment.
“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”
Off the intersection somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania we made a pit stop. We sat at a table, the vacation over and real life beginning once again. I couldn’t remember how long we had been there. It felt like being trapped in a piece of heaven and thrust back out to earth.
I looked at him, his face etched from memory. In such a short time at his side, the world started to look like a different place. I could breathe without feeling the air lock up in my chest. As I looked at him I could vividly recall the first moment we met and how I wanted that face in my life permanently without understanding why…and I finally understood why at that table off some random intersection in Pennsylvania.